White riot, I want a riot.

This subordination is relentless. I am hoping to vent my feelings publicly after a recent rapprochement with witless Winston. The little blighter craves attention, and attempts to gratify himself using his paws and childish squeals against my soft, bubble-wrapped head.

On this occasion I won this minor battle. I always win the battle. Winston teases me claiming I am "fatter, bigger and clumsier" and he also states at the end of each encounter that I "may have won the battle, but I [Winston] will win the inevitable war". He scares me due to his idiocy and farting.

Hence, I had to explain this predicament to my reading population, as much like Therapy, this eases my pain and lets me express myself openly- albeit to an unknown audience. I hope you do not mind being my therapist, as i cannot reward you with anything. Even if I did speak to you face-to-face, I could not reward you with any coins, as Mummy and Steffu hold all of my money in "their" banks.

I have recently embodied the trait of "begging". I used to insult Mummy and Steffu, but I realised if i am nice to them (i.e: affectionate) I can get more things to add to my repertoire. I have decided I am going to start my own business, but as stated yesterday to Mummy, I need a car so I can venture and spread the word publicly.

I have no idea as yet what my business, or indeed establishment, will be or what it will consist of. For a while, i flirted with the idea of flyer distribution, as I could just throw these leaflets from my automobile. I decided though, that this was a little adventurous for my first job, plus it required much more effort than 17.5 hours per week.

Then I decided I should maybe go back in to my familiar field of "law enforcement". I have done this before, and I would like to tackle the streets of Glasgow once again, albeit I will no longer tackle Sauchiehall Street, it will most likely be central Glasgow, or the East end. 

I would knock on people's doors, or just holler from my car demanding people to "respond" and "be attentive" to my commands. I am sure they will cooperate with my requests, and obviously if they do not, there will be hell to pay.

I believe more thought needs to go in to my future career in employment, but after my fight with Winston, I feel the buzz to be an enforcer. However, I think I should sleep and dwell on my thoughts, and eventually I should come to a conclusion. 

I could also maybe ask Mummy what she thinks...

WaterSports

Dear Males, Females and Felines,

Today I met with one of my true nemeses. In my bathroom, where I sometimes follow my guardians there are these two contraptions. They appear to release water if turned manually, using force, as I sometimes stare at Mummy when she "turns" it. I think this water-releaser -or "tap"- as it is called is a great invention. It provides life and cleanliness for the human species, and as i found out today, also for the Cat population.

Before i enter in to my "tail" (pardon the pun), I would just like to leave a note here for Mummy or Steffu, it is not private readers so do not worry. Mummy/Steffu will you buy some new fancy, water-releaser(s). I saw these online and i know they will fit nicely in to my bathroom, next to where i poo. (Fig. 1) By the way Mummy/Steffu, this contraption appears more complex than the Devil himself.

Fig. 1

To continue with my tale, today I had poo on my leg and bottom. I heard whispers coming from my carers that a wash was at hand. I did not scarper as i believed that my two human friends would not have actually had the nerve to carry me to the bathroom. However, i was so wrong on this occasion.

I walked in to the bathroom and found myself in a fit of laughterous rapture. I saw ginger Winston being molested by my guardians and forced in to the bath. Of course, like usual, he smelt of faeces (that means "poo" avid readers) and in turn, we all decided he needed a washdown. Mummy deemed the pet "rubdowns" non influential on this occasion, so my nemeses water-givers became the necessity.

 As stated, i sat and sniggered, watching, yet with a sense of waiting also. Winston cried and ran towards the door to exit my bathroom on two occasions, but my human serfs are cunning fellows- as they had shut the door! Again, I looked away in amazement due to the young man's naivity. But then after the crap was washed from his leg and buttocks, i found out i was next.

Ironically, I like the water. But I am not sure if Mummy understands, I only like to "paw" at the water streaming from the tap. The tap is so giving and generous, and on this occasion I found myself soaked through my coat on to my delicate skin. Boy, was I annoyed. The only pleasure that came from this (other than watching idiot Winston) was the fact my red bow got cleansed. But at the same time Mummy was proud of me, Steffu laughed and patted my soft head (he thinks i'm a dog sometimes) and i was told that my bum is nice and clean now. I felt loved.

After our wash I peered at Winston from my box in the corner. The youngster is relentless, much like my old compatriot Dr Squizzles. Both are slightly annoying, and both take up much of my time- in thought and physically. But after my period of philosophical thought - indeed I felt Herodotus's spirit within- my guardians set about pleasing me.

I posted in a previous entry this idea of "guilt". I realised that I can expolit this idiotic human trait to my advantage by acting "hurt" or "affectionate" and then I get what I want. I think I could probably get away with murder, at least in the eyes of Mummy- Steffu is not so forgiving at times, he can be a bit of a hard nut.

But as the guilt set upon them, I realised I could get anything. At one point Mummy was clipping my fur on my "polkuantura" (some foreign word) and sitting by my side was Steffu, who was grooming me with his purple brush. Oh, the delight was heavenly. I felt the warmth and love that i crave ever so often. I believed this moment could have been a little better though. It would have become even better if one of my guardians realised that there was Whiskas : Chicken and Cheese Temptations on the table. They were only about two feet away.

Nevertheless, I suppose I will allow them to be lazy once in a while.

facts.co.ck

Dear minions,

Today i would like to share my information with you all. I apologise for my period of silence. It was not a protest, i only perform dirty protests in my free time, free time is hard to come by these days as i am old and my brain is full of activity.

The information i have gained is essential research and i hope you can incorporate this into your studies or even your dissertations or theses, but please, you must give me recognition as i will copyright this information. This information will be somewhat essential much like Julian Assange's farcical "Wikileak" files.

I) Latin did not exist. This language is a myth and it was never used at any point throughout history. Forget the Romans and so forth. In fact after a heavy session at the computer, the Romans spoke Yiddish and Latin was a language that supposedly gained popularity throughout Europe, even placing itself in Scotland. Forget it, it is incorrect history.

II) Countries all have the beginning prefix attached to them: "Aero. This is because only "Aeroplanes" can take people to different countries. An example of this would be "AeroFrance", "AeroFinland" or even "AeroYemen".

III) Scandinavia only consists of three countries. This is Norway, Sweden and Finland. People argue, but Denmark is actually a German state. Therefore, Denmark is actually part of Northern or Central Europe. This means anyone from Denmark should question their existence in the world, as they do not fully understand where they are from.

IV) Printers are really Gods. Many people would dispute this comment, but a printer is a central hub to anyone's life. It prints essential documents, and distributes knowledge worldwide. Simply put, they are "God"- they control what we read, they allow us to read and also simplify things for us on paper. Indeed, houses of worship will soon be built in their names and one day we may all repent. Facebook and Printers will make a pact in the near future for total dominance.

V) Lenin was Lucifer. To start with both of their names begin with "L"- obviously a connection. More importantly they both have odd beards, and they both attempt/attempted to control people. They both belong to the dark side- one in Hell and the other in Russia. Same place, different era. When Lenin died, he went back to Hell.

VI) English is really called "Scottish". This means people speak "Scottish- Scottish" and "American- Scottish". English was founded in Scotland by William Wallace, but as England is a bigger country they stole the language from us and took it down south. Indeed, the English have smaller brains- around 2.3 inches smaller than a Scottish brain, which means they find it easier to speak in this language then the original mother tongue which was Gaelic.

VII) The most attractive cats come from Malta. This is a fact, in the top three the Maltese cats are the most stunning. On average they have bigger tails, larger whiskers and are more fertile. Scottish cats come second in this hierarchy, and then third are Cats born in the Urals.

VIII) When humans get to the age of 25 years, 7 months and 63 days they can no longer procreate. I was saddened by this, but you cannot change fact or history. To me this seems absurd, and evidently the human population will die out one day. Hopefully my guardians will have children soon, so i will not be left alone when they are "gone".

IX) The "rioting" in Egypt was all a ploy. It was a military act in order for the army to gain dictatorial control over the country. The army in Egypt will exploit its people from now on, until they sell the rights of the country over to the USA as if it was Nestle or Kraft.

X) Soap operas are real life. There is no such thing as acting. When somebody is "filmed" it is by a matter of chance, this is why films always start late in the cinema as it is only a matter of chance that someone is caught on camera. Please don't confuse this statement as it is still a form of "Art", only it is real-life and all the emotions on Eastenders or Emmerdale are in fact true.

I have to run now, the fire alarm in my home just went off. I must go and hide.

With Ravenous Hunger.

This weekend was rather passive. Saturday comes, Sunday goes. Saturday was rather astute and calm, but nothing really happened. On Saturday I just lounged around all day, I ate my food and discussed with myself the weather, the height and weight of my being, magpies and chaffinches as well as reviewing Belle and Sebastian's "Write about Love". It is revoltingly poor by the way, the album not my food or weather.

Steffu left me and his family on Saturday evening to go to that place where he gets money for me, my milk and food. Plus, he uses money from this to keep Winston in good health. Rumour has it, whilst Steffu left for work he bumped in to someone whom i know greatly. She is not British, she is foreign, but i like her anyway, she has a unique smell and puts on a "funny" voice when she communicates with me and ginger Winston, plus mummy likes her which means i am allowed to also- I like her hair.

Mummy dispersed the same evening and returned (drunk) about three hours later. I smelt my other friends this evening, even though i never met them. A man, an English man, he smells of Southern England. They all smell the same down there and i immediately concluded he was from Kent. The other one who mummy went out with was a woman, she was foreign. I think she was from the "Scandinavian" breed. That same night me and my feline brother were given chicken to feast upon.

It was only in the morning of the Sunday that the fun and games began. As i have stated before i am now old and sometimes weak, and i have also realised maybe timid and scared quite easily. My nerves are not as strong as they used to be. I began to feast on the chicken in the early hours of the morning, just as Steffu returned, however i was scared out of my wits. Winston began to dominate our eating area, and he growled and hissed at me with my chicken dangling from his mouth. He hid the chicken and ran away from me with it. I was more interested as to why he was so aggressive towards me, i did not want the chicken i had already eaten, but God, i feared for my life for a few moments.

Nonetheless, i heard discussions in the other room, and henceforth we will both have a plate each when it comes to us easting fresh meats. I think that is very responsible of my guardians, as i want to eat in peace and i do not want to be terrified out of my wits by my friend Winston ever again. After this incident we spoke and managed to come to an arrangement, then afterwards i bullied him a little and it made me feel like a big cat again.

In the evening though i had a particular delight, one which i think mummy set up for me. She finally allowed me to meet some of my own breed, i met a Scottish man. He seemed nice, he held me in his big Celtic arms and i felt warmth, he even kissed me a little. Finally, a real man in my presence, he was one of "us" and i felt extremely comfortable around him, i even slept next to him for a while with Winston in his bed. I attempted to soothe his aching leg.

I think i helped him, just as i am helping Winston each day of his miniscule life.

Bullying, Qualms and (Bi)curiosity.

Dear all,

Today I smelt disease in the air. I was told by Steffu i need to visit the vet. At first i was scared, but now I'm calm about it as i realised what it is all about. I came to a conclusion after studying Winston and his movements. Winston has that human disease called "ADHD", "AHDH" or maybe it is called "AIDS". I'm not quite sure what it is called, but i know Mr Vet will cure him and then it will put me at ease because i will no longer fear for my life around young whipersnapper Winston.

I also feel old once again. This is a feeling I constantly battle with. I feel ruminations throughout my body and usually just want to be left alone. My scratching pole and basket is an area of my room full of quintessence. However, over the past couple of weeks, and even when Squizzles was here, i became a target for bullying. I am bullied, unnecessarily and always by the younger. My problem is i am calm, and i only react if i am angry or threatened. I am also bi-curious at certain times of the day, but more often week.

Jeremy Kyle offers me much inspiration. I watch this spectacle and i feel like i am at the theatre. The grandiosity at times makes me feel like i am listening to Tchiakovsky's 1812 overture. Kyle's symphonic, to the point and his voice harks back to my own. I feel like him, i feel the power he embodies when i embrace Winston or think past battles with Captain Squizzles.

I also started work on a new poem, i often hear Steffu singing to me, whilst mummy listens. I don't know how she interprets his singing, but it makes me feel important and the centre of attention. He has a very British voice, it is not Scottish, it is more lazy and it is definitely foreign. I will detail the works of my poem below. I think this blog will end on a bang, not a whimper:-

"I don't believe in spaceships, I don't believe in stars

 I don't believe in planets, I don't believe in Mars...

But what i do believe in, I believe is true,

What i do believe in, I believe in you..."

To Mummy XxX

Beauty and many beasts.

"Dogs are fashion accessories, they sit and pose. Cats are meaningful, they sit and think"

My Grandpa expressed this dignified remark to my mother and henceforth, she passed it down to me. I believe it. I live by it. I told ginger Winston about this but he cannot keep concentration. I feel sorry for him, but i must ram this message home. I think at times i have become too serious, but i see being serious as a strength and a charm. Mummy and Steffu laugh at me due to this, they think I'm "stupid" or have a "bubble-wrap brain" but i know better and one day the shoe will be on the other foot.

Today i'd like to discuss beauty. I am beautiful. I know this, most people see this immediately. I need to be looked after and i need my silky fur brushed. If my coat is kept in an impeccable condition i am, and will continue to be radiant. I enjoy cleaning myself. I believe if my paws were maybe half an inch bigger i could caress my head properly and in turn maybe look like I "gel" my head-hair. That would be ravishing.

I saw two cars today. Mummy showed me this window in my pooing room, she let me see outside. The air smelt refreshing, yet impartially stale. Silly Winston would not dare to tread in to the room whilst the window was ajar. I was willing though as Mummy held my hand and encouraged me forth.

Steffu gave me "tender duck" this morning by the way, i did not get this the other night but i forgive him. He also gave me some kitten milk, so i believe in human rhetoric this is called "guilt". I believe he felt guilty for not treating me. He also mentioned to me, whilst carrying me as he does quite often, that he bought me (not Winston) 6 cartons of kitten milk! and some more meaty pouches. Meat makes me happy, and it makes Winston happy as we are both indoor cats and we cannot hunt as we are both civil.

Charles Darwin has become a new interest of mine in the last twenty-four hours. His "Origin of Species" appeals to me, and I think I am rather partial to believe in it. I look at Mummy and i see a resemblance (Fig. 2) Our "fur" is the same, i know i have a feline mother, but my new adopted human mother does look similar to me. I am starting to think that she is somewhat related to my breed of feline- Maine Coon- or indeed my blood mother as we have similar features, as emphasised our fur looks the same and even our smiles to an extent.


Fig.2

 Tomorrow i would like to discuss my mother a little more, but i will also be teaching you all about my Grandpa. I know i have touched upon him in previous blogs, but he is an important grand cat and his words will be a benefit upon all of your lives.

Here is also a picture of Winston, he said "00000000000000000000000000" in my previous post. I love him i decided, but he is a little dim. I am now going to ask Winston to go and fix me a Pina colada, and waft me with some cardboard so i can visualise warm seas, beaches, palm trees and bikinis.

A ribbon. A best a cat can get.

Dear followers,

Today was rather a mundane day, but things sort of brightened up as the early afternoon approached. My Mummy  came back, not my feline mother, but my human one. However, she came back with a red, triangular shaped box. This took me back to the days of December 25th as indeed it was a gift, and yuletide beckoned once again in my mind.

This red box smelt so sweet. But what was so important about this, was not the display of affection between my two guardians, but the fact the box had a smooth ribbon attached to it. This ribbon itself smelt floral, and its touch on my fur sent shivers down my back. I love my new ribbon. I think mummy bought that gift whilst thinking about me, not Steffu.

My English friend Steffu ate the chocolates in around 32 minutes. I was surprised how he gobbled them down, especially as he felt ill. Nonetheless, lets not get bogged down in time related issues, the main topic was what happened after the chocolate. Mummy decided to play some strange prank on me- without giving me my ribbon.

I heard noises, horrid noises. They appeared to be sounds from fellow foreign cats, and at one point it all became unbearable. Her machine, typing-box was playing sounds which made me feel on edge. At one point it became unbearable, and i had to leave the room as paranoia kicked in and i was convinced 5/6 cats were in my room. Silly Winston just slept through it. I understand though, he is young and carefree.

I'm looking forward to my evening meal. I hope to feast on "tender duck" this evening as that is the most delicate pouch out of the selection. I will fill me up until around 10pm, but most importantly it will set me up for my long evening of chatting.

Winston needs educating and i decided there is no better place to start the with my Grandpa Malbo- born 2009, and my great friend Dr Squizzles. Winston must listen to my prophecies regarding my Scottish brother Squizzles, as some of his adventures are tremendous. My Grandpa- Malbo- i suspect is deceased, as he will be very old by now. Nevertheless, i have many stories to tell about his tales around the campfire, jolly singing, his whiskey and indeed his pipe.

I myself have decided i must somehow purchase a monocle. One of my colleagues on hairypussies.co.uk showed me this great invention. You see, i'm beginning to struggle to type on the Apple Ipod touch, and my typos are becoming ever more prominent. If i get the monocle, i will look something like my friend below (See Fig.1).

Oh and Winston (my ginger compatriot) says: "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000"- obviously by accident, he is clumsy and he stood on my typing tool.


Fig.1.

My life behind the glass.

Dear avid readers,

This is my first post and i will attempt to make it short, yet sweet. I do not have all of the time in the world- as so many people think i do. Yes, i agree, i do enjoy sleeping and sitting, indeed i am even partial to a little staring, but  life is not all a ball.

Today my mum left me for a while. She always leaves at around the same time, sometimes i sit and stare waiting to see if something new will happen, something to break this godforsaken routine. Alas, it was around half past the hour she departed for work. Then i was alone.

For another hour or so, i was left to my own devices. This entailed with me sleeping in my "radiator bed" (as it is labelled) i prefer the term "sack of joy". However, i remembered that half-witted oaf was lying in his "radiator bed"- or simply "bed" as he calls it. I sat and stared for a while, i like to amuse him as i feel sorry for him. I also think he has a big head, but i know he makes an effort, so i reciprocate.

Whilst mummy was away i had a new experience. Music. Oh no, but this was not just any music, it was noises- rather experimental i would say also. It sounded like space sounds, and it sounded foreign there was nothing Scottish, or even British, about it.

However, it awoke my soul and i experienced a side what i had never felt before. It felt odd. Steffu (i think he is called that, mummy calls him that) was excited. He stared and laughed at me. I think he was laughing at my ears twitching or maybe even my tail. It seemed very affectionate though, and for a little while i felt rather special compared to ginger Winston.

Goodnight for now all- I am going to talk with Winston and then sleep.